Visions and Memories





One of the major experiences I went though in my healing and self-reclamation or Kundalini process, involved the memory of Jesus’ crucifixion and his letting go. For some reason I was allowed to experience that as my own, being on the cross - and what a different cross it was.

But also, a few hours after this memory, I was allowed to remember how I, as the young apostle John experienced the loss of my very best friend Jesus right at the moment of his 'letting go'. Deep grieving, deep sadness, an immense amount of tearful weeping, bawling even. Was the atmosphere ever charged with the deepest sadness, great anguish, intense pain and grief by all the bystanders on that hill!

I have other memories of Jesus as myself as well, and also the apostle John as myself, and some other young man in Jesus’ company.

Does this have to do with past lives, reincarnation maybe? I see that differently. I consider Akashic Records memory more acceptable as a conceptual explanation for these memories than the concept of 'past lives' or the idea of 'reincarnation'. I actually am not very interested in an explanation as to why I have these memories, they stand on their own, they speak for themselves.

These memories are totally self-evident, evidence of our divine reality.


I love talking and writing about that divine evidence. I do enjoy that. I may not be a vain-less person, but I do know that it is the glory of the divine that is conveyed and radiated to others, so that they in their turn can see and acknowledge their divine beauty reflected by and shining upon this wondrous world.

Vanity? God knows how I have been forced to learn to love myself. There was at some critical point 'no way out no more', I had to learn to love myself. I ran out of excuses not to admit that we are children of the divine. That each of us is the a child-divine, just like our beloved ancestors before us - some of whom also became so aware of that - the gods, the saints and heroes, our fellow human beings, whom, in my admiration, I used to be so envious of.


If anything, in order for me to rediscover this divine reality, the divine creator in me must have been chiseling away unceasingly at this guy Wim here. What faith! What patience!

I bet you, there must have been some cracks in the marble from which this guy was chiseled, cracks in the most unlikely places. I must have wriggled incessantly, "Lay still you, you little worm" is a happy memory in my ears. There must have been some hard and brittle spots just there where divine expression was supposed to shine


The divine is expressed, worked out, so to say, by all of us, individual human beings.

The divine being is not separate from any of us, any of this, any of this here now.

This indeed is it.

This is it, from the smallest and simplest of divine expression to the largest, universal and most complex, or to coin a word interplex.

Does not everything sing of divine glory, divine emanations!

Oh, may we listen more, see and feel, taste and touch deeper…


Ah, the senses! I could say so much more about the senses. Don’t the senses register representations, presences, divine representations, the presence of the divine?!

Oh, how we commune in ecstasy.

“Until we have one face”, the face of the divine, always facing the divine.


I don't want to use a fashionable, trendy word, but to say, “interfacing with God” seems very appropriate, there being only one universal intrinsic embrace, interactive, inter-. anything.


Proof of God, anybody? How mundane!

But let me try to tell you more about how I was allowed to recover more and more of that divine self-evidence. The following may become a long account of some of my experiences.

Some time ago (must have been around 1995) I went through an extended period of spontaneous, what can be termed, involuntary yogic experiences. 7 Weeks without a need to sleep, hardly anything to eat. My spontaneous yoga like body movements and expressive gestures (mudras) were a continuous event, like a long, sometimes 6 hours, slow time-lapsed dance. It was only after a while that I realized that the commonly known yoga asanas and mudras were actually no more than recorded bits and pieces of this dance, formalized and categorized by well meaning yogis and teachers.

Initially it was like my awareness was on average 3 seconds behind my actual body movements. It was like my body purposely shut down my mental involvement. Over time the awareness time-lapses shortened until I was once more in sync with myself, my body/mind separation ceasing. After that there was a period of straight imaginative invention of movement. It was like my body allowed my mental imagination to invent new movements as it trusted this newly freed, creative mind...that mind that had given up its limiting control.

This must have been a difficult period for my wife; it was not easy to go with me into town as I was often walking as outrageously as Hare Krishna devotees. I preferred though to go off into the woods instead, up on the hilltops. Ah, glorious Sun, glorious Earth.

I started to love the ocean, the salty water, the colder the better. I could stay in it for hours, swimming with the seals. When it started to rain - and it rains a lot in Victoria during the winter - I went naked into streams and waterfalls, I just loved the rain.


(I should admit that for at least 10 years before this episode, I had been afraid of water, even showers. It was very hard, personal hygiene using water. I used the littlest amount to keep myself clean.)


After the very often outrageous dancing, I started doing daring physical experiments that involved pretty well all my glands, interrupting them at will to find out what their function was. The experience of this became inner, intimate knowledge. Each organ became a conscious aware functioning part of my whole system. These organs wanted to be known and acknowledged by me and I wanted to know and acknowledge them. I stopped my heart for long time periods (no problem), conking out the liver, no breathing, (no problem), the thyroid, the spleen, the kidneys, the adrenals, the testicles and all those other little glands without a name. The lymphatic system was so neat. The best discoveries though were the pineal and pituitary glands. (And… those sensitive spots just inside the anus that are so important in the process of elimination. They got to mean so much, so much to do with the root and sacral chakras.) How I got to love all of 'them organs'; the sacro-spinal fluid process, the sacral-spinal orifice and pelvic pump, the nectar flow down the back of my throat. I played around with my feces a lot, smeared my body with it on the beach by the ocean... no kidding... that wonderful farm like aroma, like the intimate warm smell of cows in the stable. I reminded me of back home in Holland, the farm community where we used to live. I cleaned myself with gritty scrubs of sand and smooth silky seaweeds. Drinking my own urine, better than the taste of the liquid that comes off cooked vegetables... all so pure and mineral laden. How wonderful that all was, no taboos no more, no inhibitions, the glorious smells and tastes and feelings of everything we are.


My wife and son (18 at that time) allowed all this. What an understanding they must they have had... Mind you, I could not be stopped anyway. By then they knew that this was all part of this great kundalini self-regeneration process that had taken a hold of me. Their patience and compassion, their suffering and eventually their sense of humour...!


Then came the visions, the memories, knowing that all the gods and goddesses ARE our for-fathers and for-mothers, physical ancestors, a lot of great ones and some not too great, I should say. First Brahman, Vishnu, Shiva and their equally important consorts!

I remember standing as young Vishnu (5 years old) by the fertility altar that my dad had built, a perfect cube made from a travertine like marble. I bumped my head against one of the stony corners, the beautiful torch lighting in that hemispherical temple. Brahman, my dada, so proud, he had invented this new kind of stone ceiling, like the hemispherical dome of the cathedral of Florence, Italy so many years later. Except he used rough stones fitted like squarish puzzle pieces, supported by a mound of firm dirt that was dug out afterwards. During a recent “out of body escapade” I flew over that dome (OOBE). The dome still exists, patched up with rocks that don't belong there, dirt had been put back underneath by some clever people, to preserve the dome shape at least. The dome is presently still a burial mound.

Am I the only one who knows that Brahman was there once? Wish I physically knew where it was, my father's temple, your father's temple, our father's home, he was so wonderful, strong, inventive. Benevolent, so different from the other men I knew. He figured out how to press quince like apples to collect the juice, he invented the fruit press, the sieve. He knew about how to dry and collect sea salt and he organized its distribution. He experimented with food cultivation and animal husbandry.


Then I received a memory of Adam’s life while he was on an expedition to find out what the desert was really like, finding out if the fear-instilled stories that snakes kill are really true. I wanted to find out if that was just fear mongering to prevent us from abandoning the tribal compounds in the hills. Why were we not allowed to venture down into that hazy river valley? After all these thousands of years, I still don't understand my father's work with fear. His memory (he is now remembered as a god) still instills fear in people and almost guarantees damnation over the promise of freedom. Why did he in those days insist we needed to always stay hunter/gatherers, why did he want to secure the for us outdated tribal values with fear? There was nothing to fear, we would do alright, my partner and I (Eve and Adam) with our new approach to cultivate and refine the plants and fruits in the humid valley down below, our experiments with animal husbandry. Why was utopia so frowned upon, are we so scared to be free and  independent?


(This father of ours was not to be a very good ‘god’, as he increasingly operated by instilling fear through judgment and punishment. That memory still persists in religious approaches that deal with death and judgment. Why giving up freedom in the name of belief, faith and dependence.)


We went back to the tribal compound at one point, to tell everyone about the lack of danger down in the valley and beyond, about the wonderful growing methods that we had discovered and applied, our new discovery of immortality and the illusion of death, about the cosmic and universal knowledge of the divine within and without.

Humans could be such wonderful beings if we could just trust our cosmic heritage instead of our limited tribal pride as it was based on the hatred and fear of others.

Only our teacher, the old "Wise Guy", as we called him, understood us. He had explained to us that the most important part of our body was the spine. He did not use that word though, he used the words “serpent bones” or “snake bones”, while reminding us that our skeleton was held upright by those bones that looked like the bones of dead serpents. “Within the snake bones is our energy,” he said, “Keep those bones right and you will forever be right.” He also told us that we could cast of fear and illusion like the snake casts of its skin, we could be reborn, start again clean. But not many of us believed him. Most of us sooner or later developed hunched backs and aches and pains.


I told the tribal members of this one morning that I left my mate to venture off into the desert.

“Down in the valley it was always hazy, but once I got higher up on the hillside, the sun was shining brightly, blazingly hot. The gray waist high shrubs through which I had to find my way, were dried out and very prickly. They stood about two or three feet apart. The orange dirt was quite hard-packed, I noticed that I hardly left any footprints.

“Then.... from between the bushes slithered this viper towards me, it was no more than about a foot long, rather sandy coloured.

“I remembered dad's warning of impending death, but I did not believe it. I had no fear.

“Did this animal know I meant danger, why would it want to kill me? I would not kill it.

“I became quite light-hearted, light-bodied even and it was as though I was being lifted off the ground while the viper curved its way forward underneath my feet, probably never even having noticed me.

“I was not amazed at this. It was so self-evident to me that fear itself is more dangerous than the slight chance of a physical encounter with an unknown animal that only contained a slight chance of a deadly attack.

“If anything, I was to be feared more by the viper than I would have to be feared by the viper.

“I tumbled over these confused thoughts and eventually I regained my footing.

“I felt I had overcome something of an historical impact. I stood so straight, so erect, so strong, my head carried so proudly by my 'serpent bones'. I was so aware of my erect spine.

“A flash of knowledge went through me, as though strait from the deepest depth of the earth, up through my back and into my head.

“The energy of that flash got stuck there for a short span of time

“At the same time I had the strong sensation of being deeply rooted in the earth like a huge healthy tree.

“All of a sudden it was as though from my head up shot off these powerful branches of lightning and.... floating within these branches was a multifaceted, many spiked crystalline form, whirling and buzzing and throwing off scintillating colours.

“Then, as that form descended into my head, it fitted there so neatly and I started feeling vibrantly happy and blissful.


Here my reliving of this fantastic event in Eden from thousands of years ago, was interrupted briefly and I exclaimed in my mother-tongue (which is Dutch), "Star of David!” and I realized that devil or satan is an illusive personification of evil. Evil is the illusion of malevolent power that brings about the illusion of fear and suffering. Illusion cannot stand reality, truth and freedom. Fear mongering makes the illusion of fear appear to be more real than the reality of truth."

A year before this memory, while I was vacationing in San Gemignano in Italy, these same words had come to me after six hours of ecstasy which eventually, 1 week later resulted in a near death experience.


Back to my memory of what happened to Adam:

“Slowly, after the star form had radiated off its glorious bliss within me, oneness became evident within and without me. I could not think anymore in a fractured, analytical way.

“It became evident to me that the distinction of ‘good versus bad’ was flawed thinking. Indeed, all opposites do not exist in reality but only in the conceptualizing mind. Opposites have no reality in nature; the distinction is physically unsound.

Opposite-ness is inadequate, unworkable to use for the understanding of life, love and truth.


“We and anyone who wishes to come with us, will develop agriculture and animal husbandry, so that there will be food for all and no need to unduly kill and fight each other for food.

“We will work at a renewed integration of unconditional love and unquestioned security, safety and freedom with and for each other.

“We will un-limit our creativity

“We will rejoin our divine and human qualities once again.

“The divine and the human - those characteristics are not mutually exclusive. Indeed they are necessarily inclusive of each other, they are not separate and opposing functionalities that attract or fend off.

“Fear and faith are also not to be incomprehensibly united.

“Love and truth characterize integral unity in reality.

“Is death the opposite of life? Death is by definition non-existence, death does not exist, how can it then possibly be an opposite.

“Death is a only a concept in the eye of the observer who treats it as real. Death is only an observation of an outsider, a non-participant in that momentous event that goes by the name of 'death'. The observer of “death” is not the subject of that transition and can therefore not lucidly say anything sensible about that transition.

“We are one eternal and omnipresent reality focused and concentrated in this moment. “Then I felt that my spine was like an enormously powerful tree trunk, concentrating and condensing all the communications between anything and anywhere and anytime. And I sprouted enormously in all directions.


Here again my reliving of this fantastic event in Eden from thousands of years ago, was interrupted briefly and I again exclaimed my mother-tongue "Tree of Jesse, tree that represents eternal life, all encompassing intermingling of multi-dimensional webs of reciprocate relationships." and I remembered one of Hildegard von Bingen's visions.


Back to the Adam’s memory.

“I thought of my partner in the orchard collecting the fruit, and instantly I was with her, and I knew that she, simultaneously with me, had gone through identical realizations.

“We are now indeed now free of tribal ties, untouchable by fear and malevolent power, inviolate by sin or guilt.

“These illusive concepts have lost all their seeming reality... Shall we tell everyone?


We enthusiastically returned many times to the tribe's compound in the hills, relating our discoveries to the Wise Guy who was not at all surprised as he had foreseen our endeavor’s realizations as inevitable. We related our discoveries to our brothers and sisters and the children, two of which came with us, one of whom would attempt to disprove our methods and who would kill his successful brother. We related our discoveries to our parents who blamed each other for bringing forth such offspring as we were.

We were eventually excommunicated from the tribe as they set up guards so that we could not ever return. Eden was luckily safe and we lived on. Our stories were terribly mis-communicated, mistranslated and misunderstood, becoming a lie in the hands of envious god/ancestors who could not love and let live. They punished instead with death, damnation and the hand-down of blame and guilt...


We shall set them free as we will free all our offspring from the blame of having been forced to live under the power of illusion and original or handed down guilt.


It may take some time, but there is plenty of that and more where it is coming from. And if we run out there is always eternity.